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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  August 28, 2015 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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>> larry: that's our show. i want to thank our panelists, mike yard, chris gethard and yamaneika saunders. good nightly,
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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on twitter today! it's president barack obama's birthday! ( cheers and applause ) i mean, maybe, prove it. nya! ( laughter ) twitter celebrated by turning his profile into a regular party city. look at all the balloons! oh! there's the birthday boy shown here holding a sacrificial baby. ( laughter ) stay young, stay in power.
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meanwhile, pandering texas felch pharoa ted cruz-- is it rude to call him felch pharoah opinion ted cruz wished the president a happy birthday in a way that can only be described as shadeful. "when you blow out the candles, please wish for a better iran deal." >> oh! ( bleep ). snap, snap, snap! hey, ted cruz, when you blow out your birthday candles, please wish to not look like a sweat-drenched ventriloquist. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that would be pretty rad. comedians, what passive aggressive birthday wish would you tweet to the president? jen kirkman, go. >> happy birthday, president barack obama. when you blow out your candles remember all the lives blown out every day by war. >> chris: perfect. >> it's totally true.
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tom lennon, go. >> happy birthday, my ninja. ( laughter ) sorry i didn't get to hear your mark marin podcast, but i'm still catching up on "cereal." >> happy birthday, obama. i wish this tweet was being written by the white slaves you promised me. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) it's time to start @midnight. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: permission to go start the show, sir. >> you may.
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( applause ) ron funches just won the internet! thanks for watching. ( applause ) or rather, welcome to "@midnight." i'm chris hardwick. tonight's comedians are: performing at the comedy attic in bloomington, indiana august 14th & 15th, jen kirkman. ( cheers and applause ) from "another period," tuesdays on comedy central, tom lennon. ( cheers and applause ) performing at comedy works in denver august 20th thru 22nd and appearing on "the meltdown with jonah & kumail" following this very program, ron funches. ( cheers and applause ) let's start the program. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh."
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share the vulnerable side which is exactly what lenny kravitz did at a concert in sweden when his pants split white exposing a full-on kravitz. we need another look. penis computer, enhance. >> what is that? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> chris: either-- either lenny kravitz got engaged to his dick recently, or he could need serious medical attention. >> just one woman's retainer.
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>> chris: i mean, going full on commando. and the thing-- it's probably blurred at home. >> probably. >> chris: for those who can't see it imagine an overly inflated balloon annual with side burns being puked out of a leather vagina. that is mesmerizing. it is. >> it's a good-looking dick. it's a solid dick. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: i mean, there's no other word for it. lenny kravitz has a handsome penis. >> i say give me 40 minutes and sears catalog, i could do that. ( laughter ) looking at power tools? >> ex0÷y right, snowmobiles.
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>> chris: what was lenny in the middle of singing when this happened. bonus points if you sing it! ♪ ba-ba-bad. bad to the boner. ♪ >> chris: tom lennon. >> this is not fair because i was actually at the show. ( laughter ) and it was... ♪ send in the clowns ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: jen kirkman. >> don't even have to sing it. you know what it's going to be. ♪ we will, we will ( bleep ) you ♪ >> there's a weird thing but i've just been notified that freddie mercury's ghost just died again. >> chris: oh, no. >> and we killed him with that. ( laughter ) >> then he saw-.
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( cheers and applause ) that is the end of "rapid refresh." it is now time for tonight's hatch. ( applause ) emmy nominated "@midnight" does an entire act on lenny kravitz's dick. ( cheers and applause ) this week, the master of twist endings, m. night shyamalan, turns 45, or does he? ( laughter ) every movie of mine is like a "twilight zone" episode. and each movie is exactly as half as good as the previous one. which, in honor of m. night and
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our favorite movie genre besides animals playing basketball, tonight's hashtag is #ruinathriller. some examples: the bourne supremacist, the da vinci chode, or rear end-o. i'm going to put 60 seconds on the clock and begin. tom lennon. >> dock dick afternoon. >> chris: points. >> anne coulder-geist. >> chris: it's coming from the tv! point. ron. >> alfred hitchcock presents a lazy brunch. >> taken for, just keep her, i guess. >> mission imnobble, rhythm nation. >> african american swan. >> chris: ron. very good. very politically correct.
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>> mad mario rainbow row. >> armenian psycho. >> chris: points. tom. >> the island of dr. phil. that's the end of hashtag wars. send us your #ruinathriller and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back. our tweet-of-the-day from last our tweet-of-the-day from last night's "hashtag wa
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." what to you think lenny kravitz's dick it doing right now? it drops in. it's time to play "lemme get your number, boy." when you think of late '90s, early 2000s boy bands, you probably think 'nsync and the backstreet boys. but did you know there was so much worse out there, way, way, worst. i'm talkin' frosted tips, open linen shirts blowing in the wind
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machine, razor-sharp man-nipples, the works. and for some reason i never got to be in one. every lesser known boy band we found on youtube has a number in their name. so comedians, i'm going to show you a crappy old boy band video and for 250 points i want 4u2 come up with a better band name for them, but it has to include a number. let's get started, gurl. first one: here are some open shirts from a boy band called 3deep. >> time and time again, it's true, girl, i want to be with you. every night and every day >> chris: what is a better band name tom lennon? >> 3 inches deep. ( cheers and applause ) which, jen, is pretty normal. pretty normal.
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for bonus points, is there a guy named c.j.? >> ge. >> chris: ye, there is, usually. it's this guy. >> i just guessed. >> chris: 3 deep. >> even i can't stop touching my jock. >> chris: oh, wait a second-- >> it looks like-- >> where did it go! where did it go! oh, man. >> now we're only 2 deep here's a video overwhelmingly full of landmarks from the boy band 3t. ♪ i need you, and i couldn't live a day without you. i need you. >> chris: what's a better name for them, tom lennon? >> dinky prince 360. >> chris: points. ( applause ) jen. >> worse than 911.
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( applause ) >> chris: it has a number in it! ( applause ) never forget. ron funches. >> 360 diewsh greed. here's the boy band yell 4 you. ♪ you're my lover. >> chris: ron funches. >> straight with an 8 bannana pant. >> chris: yes, points. for bonus points, is there a guy named p.j., in the band?wó ron. >> no. >> chris: no one knows. we can't find the ( bleep ) names. who are these guys? seriously, i don't-- ( applause ) we can be looking at four german
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goats for all i know. >> do i get extra bonus points if i do one of the moves? >> chris: yeah, i'll give you bonus points for that. ( cheers ) was it do the move or own the move? i feel like you did it but you didn't own it. to be honest, she did it exactly or better than they did it. that's the end of "lemme get your number, boy." it's time for our live challenge, "fear of god." betty and dick odgaard, the owners of a wedding venue called god's original design ministry, are stubbornly planting their feet on the wrong side of history by financing 1,000 anti-gay marriage billboards. here we see their very clear agenda: marriage equals one men's room plus one women's room. but check out that whiny quote
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that they attributed to god without having to source that ( bleep ) at all. you can just do that without having to source something? you can't-- but this is what-- god's quote is: please, i need your help with this! they really captured the almighty's tone. please! can you just help me okay! comedians, i'd like you think up another pathetic plea from this beta male god. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight"!
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." before the break, i showed you this picture of a ( bleep ) anti-marriage equality billboard that quotes god as saying, please, i need your help with this, god. i asked you to come up with another whiny plea from god. let's hear your answers. ron funches, let's start with you. >> thou shall not worship any other god, unless he owns a camaro or something. that's a bitchin car. ( applause ) >> chris: you're not wrong. jen kirkman. >> you guys, i kind of feel like you only talk to me when you need something and you never, like, ask me how i am. ( cheers and applause )
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>> chris: tom lennon. >> hello, margaret. are you there? it's me, god, calling you back. i'm sorry, i had my ringer off. if it was important, hit me back. i'm going into a parking structure! ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: all right. i'm going to do 1,000 for jen, 500, and 250. as we go to our next game "expecto pa-troll-'em." last week, we played the hashtag newharrypotterbooks, and a whole bunch of 'tween wizard aficionados somehow believed that it was an actual announcement of a new book in the series. and we'll were not happy about that. like whoever made this is not funny and i hate you. we were just having fun with
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stuff. we had no intention of causing unrest in the sorcerer's realm. i myself am a card-crawing raymond claw. we didn't think a little hashtag from our show would cause the entire internet to freak out. we want to tell you, we told you. with that in mind, i would like you to come up with as many incendiary hashtags as you can that would cause twitter to flip the ( bleep ) out if they didn't know it was a joke. tom lennon. >> hashtag sandler is the new doctor. >> chris: you ( bleep )! should ( bleep ) choke you for that! i should choke you. >> wibly, wobbly... you get points. ron. >> #trump leno 2016.
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>> #i'll see no star wars. >> #black who support hulk hogan. >> #cosby show reunion special. >> chris: points. ron. >> #, i still don't think cosby did it and some of those ladies are dear friends of mine. >> chris: points. >> #true detective season three kim and chloe. >> #dentist bags grumpy cat. ( applause ) > that's the end of "expecto pa-troll-'em." tom lennon, are you in third place. husuch a wonderful stwreek for so long. and now today-- do you have any last words? >> i'm going to flop my dick
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out. > ( applause ) that means it's time to beg for acceptance. it's for the win! there's a dating app called "the league" that you probably haven't heard of because it is an exclusive club of rich, beautiful, white people who only hang out with other rich, beautiful, white people. and you also also probably have a soul. anyhoo, the league uses a top-secret algorithm and 11 herbs and spices to analyze your linkedin profile and friends list to determine if you are wealthy, gorgeous, and dead inside enough to enjoy this elitist tindir. i guess the challenge would be i would like you to put your dooushiest footñ÷ forward and ge answers for this dooush league. if you missed the periscope, we periscoped a chuck of the show
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not airing. we all periscoped at once in a crazy periscope session. check it out. we'll see you in a minute on ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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decide the winner. before the break, i told you about "the league," a group of horrible people who think they're better than you, and i asked you to give me your qualifications to join said league. to go off and i guess procreate awful children. let's see what you wrote. ( cheers and applause ) who was number one? ron funches! oh, my god. you cannot be defeated. you are the funniest person in the world for the next 23 and a half hours! we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be: rhys darby, jim jefferies, and ginger gonzaga. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #ruinathriller and become tomorrow's tweet of the day.


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